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Me vs my BPD

I have been really trying to grow my YouTube channel lately. I did a YouTube and Facebook live yesterday with King Big Head. I'm going to tell you how it went but let me tell you what happened before. I allowed myself to go into my imaginary world and in the imaginary world this live was going to be what put my channel on the map. In my mind I was going to sell 500 books that night. My dream job is a YouTuber so in my imaginary world I was finally going to be able to leave my job. I was in heaven. I was in that imaginary world for about a week. Ok, so we do the live and it's a live. I see people on and commenting on my phone. I can't see what YouTube is doing. This morning I woke up like 4ish. I looked at my phone and saw no sales had come in. I Instantly felt sick. I thought, "how could this have happened? I was distraught, in dismary, I'm human so I gave myself about 5 minutes to soak up my tears. After those 5 minutes I knew the first thing I had to do. I apologized to God for having doubt in him and reaffirmed my faith in him. I then listened to my fav Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts. Her sermon was title Nothing to Lose. She talked about Eve and her battle against the serpent. She said the woman's heel will bruise his head, but he will also bruise her heel. SJR said, "but have you ever seen a woman who walks with a limp because she has nothing to lose? When a woman has nothing to lose, she fights a little different." I felt that word for me today. After the sermon went off the sun was up so I went and sat on my balcony. That is my happy place. I was just sitting there when I started getting the thought I hate my life. I jumped up and spoke back to that bullshit. My neighbors probably really thought I was crazy today. 'm not bragging but I'm blessed and I love my life. I know that it takes time to build a brand. I lean on and I trust in God because everytime I started a business just on my idea, I got bored with and gave up on it; except Quench. I still make it for my cousin in Florida. But back to me vs God leading, there's a world of difference. I get asked what I'm going to do next and my answer is wherever God leads me and right now, I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm so grateful for all the support! I really appreciate it!

These are the two ways I'm processing what just happened, Me vs BPD who wins? Neither will win. I'm literally still going back and forth with myself in my head over this. Life will go on with me following God and the BPD will continue trying to cast doubt until God does something amazing that finally shuts up that hater in my mind. Then it stops. But until then it's non-stop, it's mentally exhausting. All of this before 9am when I had to start working, Do y'all think y'all could last an hour in my brain? As I type this two orders comes in. Look at God and one is from my therapist. I must have really made an impression on her!

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