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Relapse (SALT Volume 2) Realizing Every Lie Always Pulls Spirits Elsewhere

I didn’t think I’d be writing this.

Not this close to my one-year celibacy anniversary.

Not after everything I’ve fought through.

Not after all the healing. The progress. The promises I made to myself… and to God.


But here I am.


This isn’t a “testimony” post.

This is a confession.


I went back…

Back to the same ex I swore I’d never deal with again.

Back to the same dysfunction I’d prayed to be delivered from.

Back to the same bed I once begged God to shut the door on.


And for what?


It wasn’t passionate. It wasn’t emotional.

It wasn’t fulfilling.

And let’s just be honest—I didn’t even cum.


No climax. No connection. Just shame.

And not even the kind that creeps in later, no, the kind that hits immediately!


The second it was over, I felt it. That weight. That guilt. That “what have I done” moment that makes your stomach flip and your heart sink.


I felt like I had failed.

Failed myself.

Failed my growth.

Failed God.


I broke my promise.

I gave in to weakness.

I let Satan win & all for nothing!!!


And I know someone’s reading this thinking, “Girl, it’s just sex.”

But to me? It was spiritual.

Because this celibacy journey wasn’t about being a “good girl.”

It was about obedience. Healing. Freedom.


So yeah, it broke me.

Because this wasn’t just a slip-up, it was a relapse.


And the shame?

Whew… it took over.

I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t look myself in the mirror.


The thoughts started piling in:

You’re a hypocrite.

You’re claiming to be “leading others to God”

But…

You’re not really healed.

You’re just like the old you, you just hide it better now.

And then the darkest one:

You can’t do anything right; you know then world would be better off without you…


I had the pills in my hand.

Sat on the edge of my bed like I had nothing left.

Tears falling. Heart racing. Numb and hollow.

And right before I dropped them in my mouth, I heard it.


Not a whisper.

Not a chill.

But a voice so loud and clear, I couldn’t ignore it if I tried.


HE SPOKE BEFORE THE PILLS DID


“So this is how you repay Me? With defiance?”

“You let one mistake convince you that I don’t love you anymore?”

“You really think after everything we’ve been through, after all the nights I kept you, after all the times I saved you from yourself, that this, THIS is the end?”


“You think I didn’t see this coming? I factored this in. And I still called you.”

“Arailyus, You don’t scare Me. Your brokenness doesn’t threaten Me. Your sin doesn’t disqualify you, it just reveals how much more you need Me.”


“I told you I’d never leave. I told you I’d never forsake you. And I meant it.”


“You gave yourself to a man who didn’t deserve you and called it love. But I AM love. Get up. Wash your face. We’re not done.”


I dropped the pills.

Fell to the floor.

Sobbed like a baby.

And I felt Him hold me, not with hands, but with truth.


That was the real climax.

Not the moment in the bedroom.

The moment in the breakdown.

When God reminded me who I really am.


A daughter.

A fighter.

A work in progress.

A testimony in motion.


That’s when it hit me:


RELAPSE = Realizing Every Lie Always Pulls Spirits Elsewhere


Because that’s what I did.

I believed the lies.

That I was lonely. That I needed him. That one more time wouldn’t hurt.

Then believing

That if I slipped, I was disqualified.

That if I failed, God would walk away like everybody else did.


But that was the enemy’s goal all along:

Not just to tempt me, but to trap me.

To convince me that my mistake meant it was over.


But God…

God used my failure as an invitation.

To return. To reconnect. To remember who I am.

And whose I am.


AND THEN I WOKE UP….


Sat straight up in bed.

No pills. No tears. Just breath.

Heavy… but still there.


It was a dream.

But it didn’t feel like one.

It felt like a warning.

A word.

A rescue.


And somebody reading this knows exactly why.



SCRIPTURES TO SIT WITH


Romans 8:38–39 (MSG)

“Nothing… absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love.”


Isaiah 43:25 (NIV)

“I… remember your sins no more.”


Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”


2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”



REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. What lie did you believe that pulled your spirit elsewhere?

2. What would it look like to truly forgive yourself the way God already has?

3. Who or what do you need to release to protect your spirit?



QUOTES TO REMEMBER

• “You didn’t ruin your testimony—you just made it real.

• “Relapse doesn’t cancel your calling. Grace still covers you.”

• “You are not what you did. You are who He called you to be.”

• “The enemy wants your silence. Your story will set someone free.”



CLOSING PRAYER


God, I don’t know who this was for, but I know You do. Cover her. Speak louder than the shame. Be louder than the lies. Remind her that even in her lowest moment, You’re still God. Still good. Still close. Amen.

 
 
 

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